Defense Mechanisms

                  So, last night Marie got a text from her sister. Last week at the rodeo, Marie pointed out one of the barrel racers and told me her family had A LOT of money, and her horse was very expensive. It was a pretty quick little horse I noted. 

                 Apparently, her mother's family has the money, they own a whole bunch of banks here in our state. Marie said their father had always given her the creeps and had come off to her as rather chauvinistic. Well, last night he tried to murder his wife. He took her out to a field to check on some livestock, horses/cattle/calves--I'm not sure. He told her to leave her phone in the pickup and they took off into the pasture on a four wheeler. 

                When they got out a ways, he stopped and turned around to her and tried to beat her to death. We're thinking he didn't have a weapon outside of himself, because thought he thought he killed her and left her for dead, he did not actually kill her. 

                After he left (I'd have played dead too if I were her), he went to their arena like nothing happened. She, not being dead, crawled her way back to the truck he left behind with her cell phone in it. She called her sister and the police subsequently arrested him. He said that he'd meant to kill her but just "couldn't do it." I'm thinking that's just a cop out. This was premeditated murder. She's in the hospital ICU recovering, and he's behind bars pending charges. 

               This whole thing really bothers me. It just makes me so sick. I've been heart heavy about it since last night. I cannot imagine. It's just so sick. So incredibly sick. I hope for public safety that he never gets out to see the light of day again, but knowing our justice system, that's not a guarantee. The wife may have some pull, at least in the ability to hire a really good lawyer for both these charges and a divorce so that he should hopefully have to see judgment for his crimes. 

              I can't reconcile this though. It's so scary. This world has such a dark side, I sometimes like to turn a blind eye. It's that the epitome of human nature? We like to survive, and so we try to block out those things as defense mechanisms.

                  Talking about defense mechanisms, I packed up a lot of my furniture and things yesterday into my car to take home this weekend. Marie said I was making her sad, but that she knew I had to anyway. For me, I can't feel anything right now. This, however, is very typical of me. I struggled at the beginning and middle of the semester accepting this inevitability, and managed to make the best of it while shutting out the pain after I'd dealt with it. 

                Now, I know the pain is there, but I can't feel it. I know I'll have to deal with it in time, but my mind won't let me feel the pain just yet. I know this because I don't feel anything, at all, no matter how much I think about it right now. I suppose if I drank enough I could lower my inhibitions enough to feel it, but that would probably not be wise, and I'm not one to do that on a conscious level. It'll probably pop up sometime in the next couple weeks, I'm guessing when I start to have my period again. Things seem to emerge from the depths during that time of the month. 

              The saddest part is that I know that there is a good chance I may never see Marie again, outside of a few times next year for a few meetings and commencement. She's not one to talk on the phone, and though she'd love to visit or have us visit them, they're so busy with their ranch, we've gone two summers already talking about visiting and never making it happen. I've had enough change in my life to know that I can't disillusion myself into believing this will not change our relationship, and that we'll remain close. Life brings us gifts we can't always keep. 

             Things age and change with time, and just as time and memories pass, so do the friends and situations we find ourselves in pass into that dark and fond abyss behind us in our minds. I learned that it's possible to stay in connection with people, but that it doesn't always work out. You always need to keep trying, no matter whether they ever make the effort. You need to keep calling and writing them if you want to stay connected and not to fret with feelings of hurt when they don't always pick up, call back, or respond. In time they will, and if they don't, then in time you'll be able to let it go and move on. 

            These are the things I've thought of and pondered this semester and in relation to my life as I've lived it thus far. To living in the moment, cherishing every sunrise, celebrating each sunset, and to new beginnings; may we live and ponder another day.