I’m 27, working a job like any other job, one that you don’t
entirely enjoy, but that pays the bills and then some in my case. I am a washed
up Yankee on the shores of the Midwest, with only my husband as my friend
within a hundred mile radius of me. I used to be a ballet dancer, an artist, a
child, a writer, a singer, a runner. Now I’m just a pharmacist. An adult
leading a boring adult life, without anything that used to define me. I used to
be a New Yorker, now I’m an Oklahoman and nearly proud of it. I used to dance
ballet six days a week, but pharmacy robbed that of me, and instead I’m an
overweight pharmacist that probably drinks more than she should. It’s bad when
you’re counting the days since you had your last drink just to make a point to
yourself that you don’t have a problem, but I think that’s the catch—you
probably do. I know I do on some level though it may not be serious enough to
affect my life yet, but I also have some serious denial about that fact that
usually clouds my vision. I guess by my admitting it, and trying to develop a
healthy relationship with its use, I’m headed in the right direction, but I can’t
help but think I should just not drink period. It is a poison after all. I
probably never would have gotten these ideas in my head if it hadn’t been for
pharmacy, something that’s quickly become something to pass the time and the
bane of my existence.
It’s funny how much stress can negatively impact your life.
I constantly dream of a time or place where I would live stress free, but then
I realize I’d also be missing out on the key aspect of life. Life is meant to
be stressful, and we succeed in varying degrees by how we each deal with it.
Just because someone is CEO doesn’t make them entirely successful, they will be
attain that when they reach ninety without cancer caused from the stress of
that job. So, that is my goal. Not to be CEO of anything, but to make it to ninety
or beyond without succumbing to the stress.
A couple days ago, I started dancing ballet again. Where I
live now, there are no studios for adults (not even for kids actually if you’re
talking the type of ballet I’m talking about and not that recital bull shit
that most people think of when they think of classes for their children), so I
bought a ballet class track awhile back on iTunes and gave myself a class from
what I could remember of it. It kicked my ass. I ran the next day, and today I
did another class. By the end of the grand plies (the first exercise) both my
legs were shaking uncontrollably. By the end of tendues (the second exercise) I
had sweat running down my back. Every time I held my leg up to the back, my
back cramped, and every time I tried to do sometime on one leg en releve, my
supporting leg twisted inward, unable to hold strong and control the movement.
It kills me, because it is such a beginner’s problem. I guess I am a beginner
so to speak, have not been in ballet shape in over 5 years. Five years is a
long time for a body to be at rest, and though I wasn’t completely at rest (I
ran a half marathon during that time) I was by no means exercising those tiny
muscles that ballet relies on for its strength and beauty in movement. Let’s
just say, I never could turn, and I still can’t turn, but I also keep nearly wiping
out into the electronic equipment. That or Max, my dog, thinks it’d be fun to
stand in the middle of the room as I jump across it heaving, just watching my
efforts in utter confusion as he pants with that anxious smile on his face that
he gets when things just aren’t right. I nearly kicked him the other day when
he came running with me to the corner to do jetes (flying leaps) across the
room. It’s quite humorous. All that time in Tulsa, where I had access to ballet
classes, I never went, but now, when the nearest ballet class is probably still
in Tulsa, I am driven to give myself classes. It’s nuts.
I’ve also started training for another half marathon in
November (it’s June now). The same Route 66 marathon I did before in Tulsa. It’s
still early, I’m only 1 workout into it, and I think I’ve forgotten how hard
that was before, but I do remember how thin I got, and I have got to do
something about these extra 15lbs I’m carrying around! I figure, I had hip
troubles the last time, but maybe if I keep dancing, the stretching and
strengthening of the ballet may help decrease the issues I had the last time.
Or so I hope. Not to mention, I really
like dancing. I need to get more music and ideas for exercises though. It’s
been so long I can only remember the complexity of the simplest exercises that
I did the most often. My brain can’t choreograph anything at this point, it
just doesn’t even come when I listen to some of the songs. These are all songs
I’m positive I’ve heard and danced to before too.
Ah, well, such is life. We move into our new house in just
two weeks! I’m looking forward to that, and thinking about places in the house
where I can dance, as well as all the areas in the neighborhood I’ll be able to
run. I used to run around Weatherford without fear, there is no reason I
shouldn’t be able to run around here as well. I’m just hoping the summer heat
doesn’t slaughter my goals like it usually does. We deserve a cooler summer!! I
don’t know about deserve, but it sure would be nice.
2 comments:
It's important to take time to do things that you love to do. Whatever that is. It's hard to be happy in life if you don't. I think you're beginning to learn that:) Dancing makes your heart happy, so you should take time to do it. Find a few more things. I think you're beautiful, and I think that it's a difficult time in your life right now but you will strike a balance, and things will improve:)
Hi! I just happened on this today, two days after I was at your new house! I hope and pray that you will find time for ballet again, perhaps just be patient with yourself and take it a bit slower. These are the growing pains of becoming an adult. I know only too well how easy it is to drink too much from stress or not. Remember whose genes you have...:).
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