Stretching out my old Autumn branches.

It's been so long since I wrote! I do apologize. One of the things I'm working on right now is making more time for myself. I worked until four today, and this evening we're headed for Fayetteville for me to work there on Saturday and Sunday. I was just asked today if I would do this, so it's last minute, but it will kind of be like a break being there. Therefore, I decided to get on here.

I'm tired a lot these days, but it's getting better. It's also to be expected. I officially brought myself off my antidepressant, it's been about a week now and so far I feel great. I actually notice how much more I do feel. It was necessary for me at the time, but I'm glad to have that levy removed and get back to being 100% me. To help with this I've cut back on alcohol intake to nothing unless we're going out or visiting people. We've also gotten back to working out, or have gone on a walk since we decided that...hopefully this weekend will be different. I'd wanted to take a really long walk tomorrow, so maybe that can still happen in Fayetteville.

Since I started working, it seems like I do nothing but work. For the most part I feel this is due to the fact that I haven't managed to prioritize properly or work the kinks out of my time management attempts. Zach and I watch too much TV still for example. I do a lot of sitting around doing nothing when I'm not at work, which works for me, but the house is in shambles when speaking about what a mess it is. I expected all this though. I took myself off my medicine, and things are harder to get myself to do, it's harder to control how much I crave food, and I'm more tired. Luckily, these things are starting to ebb just a bit and will get better as I accept and address them. Plus, the job is exhausting. Being a pharmacist is very stressful. If you see me in a year and think it's been five I won't be surprised.

On another note, it occurred to me three weeks ago or so that I was aimlessly waiting around putting off children for no real good reason. Money? That's dumb, we'll never have kids if we wait around until we're in the perfect position to have kids. It's not suppose to be like that. They're not like making a retirement plan, they're life changers, cliff hangers--they're suppose to be spontaneous and cherished and an incredible gift of love. So, that was another good reason to get off my medicine and start cutting back the alcohol. I also started taking a vitamin to start replenishing my stores of necessary nutrients for a healthy body and healthy baby. I don't think we'll start trying for a little while longer, but I do think it will be within the next three months. I've just got to go to my doctor and have my IUD removed.

Since I've started thinking about it, it's occurred to me how prepared and unprepared I am for this. That's why I'm taking this time to myself. That is why I'm trying to do what I can for my heart and soul. Every time I start feeling mopey I remind myself that I can accept it and move on, or make my choice to continue to mope and make myself feel progressively worse. For the most part, I've been able to pick myself back up.

I want to draw and paint again. I want to write again. I want to embrace my soul again. These things, these creative things that I've missed and set aside for so long. I even dream about ballet again, and how I can still dance because I've never stopped dancing at heart. I realize these things will be set aside even longer and maybe for a long time when I decide to have kids, but I'd like to think I could make it work. I'd like to think that I could do it if I tried hard enough. In anycase, maybe I can at least enjoy them for this short period of time now before I do start a family. Overindulge my self in my own attention. It's been along time since I've looked in on my soul and tried to do something nurturing.

Though I hate to think it, though it makes my heart and throat sad when I type this, ballet may be something I let go of. Time will tell. Cans of worms were meant to be opened, cleaned and recycled. May I have the courage to open that can some day soon. I think it will start by my not putting it off until I "just lose five (ten) more pounds..." That's one of the worms I'm talking about.

To life.